How to Fix the UFC

A new style of fighting to re launch the failing franchise

Since Conor McGregor retired, the UFC has lost a bit of its magic for the armchair fan. People like myself, with a passing interest, would have chipped in with other mates who didn’t have girlfriends and paid the fiver for pay-per-view, or whatever it was. We’d grab packet of Tayto Salt and Vinegar Crisps from the Spar and have a party. Those days are gone. Like I said, they disappeared when Conor McGregor broke his leg.

Yes, there are still reasons to watch, and it’s still great, but Conor’s trash-talking added another level of interest to the sport.

I propose it’s time for a change. Time for a new style of fighting on the UFC card. Just like in WWE, where you have hardcore matches, tag team matches, and even stranger ones, I propose a new match style for the UFC: the Sock Off Match.

Hear me out. The rules are actually quite simple to explain. All the usual players are there: the guy from boxing’s brother announcing the fight with “It’s Time”, instead of Let’s get ready to Rumble. The cool Herb Dean ref (bring him back), and Joe Rogan on commentary. All the things that make UFC great—or at least slightly better than wrestling.

You get two UFC fighters, and they wear the usual gear, with one addition: a pair of woolly socks. One fighter wears a pair of red woolly socks, and the other, blue.

The bell rings, and the fight starts. Each fighter is aiming to remove the socks from the other fighter, by any means necessary. There are no rounds. There’s no scoring card. The first fighter to remove both of the opponent’s socks wins. Instead of a belt, the winner gets a pair of golden socks. They’d be crowned or ‘socked’ the UFC Sock Off Champion (UFCSC).

The current champion could continue to fight while wearing the solid gold socks, giving them an advantage as the weight and hardness of the gold would make their kicks more powerful.

Reading this, you’re probably thinking, this sounds ridiculous. But who wouldn’t want to see Islam Makhachev or Dustin Poirier go toe-to-toe in sock-to-sock combat? And don’t forget about Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett—he was born for this style of fighting. He probably loves wearing woolly socks anyway. He could even launch his own brand of socks as part of the promotion.

Conor McGregor could introduce a new Proper Twelve brand. With whiskey aged in barrels that also have sweaty socks from UFC training sessions. On the nose, expect a bold fusion of earthy musk with faint hints of aged wool—a scent reminiscent of well-worn leather and a rugged outdoors. Subtle notes of salted sweat blend with a touch of damp oak, creating an unconventional aroma that intrigues and challenges.

They could even get X-Pac, The New Age Outlaws, Shawn Michaels, and HHH to reform D-Generation X with a new slogan: “Sock IT!” The possibilities are endless.

Of course, I worry about cheating. You’d need an opposing coach for each fighter to oversee the application of the socks to the feet, because there’d be too many ways to cheat. Fighters could cheat by using those tight plastic socks swimmers wear, or they could dip their feet in superglue or Pritt Stick before putting the socks on, so they’re practically glued to their feet.

They could put the socks on at the weigh-in and keep them on after the weight cut, so when they rehydrate, their feet swell into the socks, making them impossible to remove. They might even paint socks onto their feet to give the appearance of real socks. It could all get very corrupt.

This could take the UFC world by storm. And if it doesn’t work out, I have another idea: both fighters wear top hats, with each aiming to knock their opponent’s hat off their head.

Clearly, these ideas need to be realised. Readers, please urgently get this blog to Dana White so we can make this happen.

Please get the word out about this blog. It’s my dream to sit on a bench and just write the first thing that comes into my head for a living. I don’t want to be an actual Billonair. But ya know. Enough to pay the bills and go to Tenerife every July.

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